Where this sits in the pilot
Kormor Kirak, the same night the assassin fails to stop a carriage. Szeret — vampire princess, "obsessed with the modern world" — is dress shopping at the city's market with her friend Rozito, entirely unbothered by whatever's happening outside.
INT. DRESS MAKER – KERESKEDO MARKET – KORMOR CITY – NIGHT
Szeret and Rozito on a settee. They watch nervous young models parade before them wearing different formal outfits. Lots of ruffles and bustles. A matronly dressmaker orchestrates this from the side. Szeret is not impressed.
SZERET
Mushroom.
(beat)
Tomato.
(beat)
Lettuce.1
ROZITO
I didn’t know you ate vegetables.
Szeret perks up at a Gawky Model in a leather bodysuit.
SZERET
Peach!
Szeret leaps up and starts removing her own dress. Rozito and the rest are aghast as she strips on down to garter and hose.
The Gawky Model tries not to panic as Szeret approaches, snuggling up behind her. Szeret matches her arms and legs to the model’s, then places her head on the woman’s shoulder.
SZERET (CONT’D)
How do I look?
ROZITO
Like a two-headed prostitute.2
SZERET
Flirty-Flirt-Flirt!
Szeret takes the hands of the bewildered model and leads her in a confident waltz around the room. Szeret dips the quivering young woman, holding her firm, face to face. Szeret’s lips draw back in a teeth-baring smile.
SZERET (CONT’D)
Does it bind?3
The suit is so tight the woman can only manage a squeak in response. Szeret spins the pained model back onto her feet.
SZERET (CONT’D)
Delicious! I’ll take it!
ROZITO
Your mother won’t think it’s too modern?
SZERET
Uggh. You’re soooo provincial.
(to Gawky Model)
Ever been inside the castle?
The bewildered model shakes her head, Szeret smiles, leads her toward the door, still barely dressed.
ROZITO
Szeret! Your clothes!
SZERET
I’d only be taking them off again when I get home. Sweet dreams!4
She’s gone. Rozito glares at the self-satisfied Dress Maker.
ROZITO
I’ll deny that I was ever here.
- 1
Three one-word vegetable dismissals, no explanation. That's Bizarre (a non-sequitur reaction to a dress) stacked on Recognizable (anyone who's sat through a bored teenager's version of a fitting knows this exact rhythm) — and it's the immortal vampire princess who's the bored teenager. The juxtaposition of "should be regal" against "acts like she'd rather be anywhere else" is doing real work before Rozito's line lands.
Six Dimensions of Funny - 2
Rozito's line is Cruel and Clever at once — a genuinely sharp insult, aimed at his friend, that he clearly gets to say because he's earned the standing to say it. Cruel alone risks reading as just mean; paired with the wit and the established friendship, it reads as banter.
Six Dimensions of Funny - 3
This is the riskiest beat in the scene — a vampire dipping a visibly terrified stranger in a dominant waltz, teeth bared. Pure Cruel would just be frightening. What keeps it funny is Bizarre theatricality doing the balancing the page warns you need: the scene is so committed to the absurd choreography that menace reads as showmanship instead of threat.
Six Dimensions of Funny - 4
"I'd only be taking them off again when I get home" is Naughty — safe-for-work mischief that still feels like it's getting away with something — landing right as she exits half-dressed into a public market. The visual and the line are the same joke stated twice, which is its own small act of comic economy.
Six Dimensions of Funny
Read the whole thing
This excerpt is page 19–20 of a 54-page pilot. The full logline, genre, and comps are on the original post — Spec TV Pilot: “Reign of Blood” →
Related pages
- How to Write Comedy With a Repeatable Formula: Six Dimensions of Funny — the framework behind all four notes.
- Reign of Blood: The Cold Open, Annotated — the tonal opposite of this scene, three pages earlier in the same pilot.
About the author
Jesse Alexander is a screenwriter, showrunner, and narrative designer whose work spans film, television, games, and transmedia storytelling. Scribbler’s Toolbox collects practical frameworks developed from professional story development and production.